The Rise and Fall of One David Cameron: Flogging the dead horse of Tory politics

The second steps of David CameronDavid Cameron pig

When David Cameron was ushered through the gauntlet of the Tory party leadership election by a cheering media in 2005 he was presented to the country as a pseudo Tony Blair, the heir apparent for the Third Way wearing an aw shucks smile and Brooks Brothers’ suit. Cameron was the answer to the Nasty party’s electability issues and, with George Osborne in tow, he was all set to drag the Tories into the 20th Century, kicking and screaming.

Cameron represented the hug a hoodie caring face of Conservatism in Britain and Britain loved him for it. Britain loved him for it so much that he romped home to the landslide victory in 2010 that saw the Tories carried into Downing Street on the celebratory shoulders of the LibDems. David Cameron 2010A year into his first term as Prime Minister and the country celebrated with the riots and social unrest across the country that prompted London Mayor imitator Boris Johnson to purchase some 2nd hand water cannons from eBay.

Life was good.

2012 was a highlight (most especially the unforgettable mass booing of George Osborne in the Olympic stadium as he stood like the last boy to be picked for rugger who will be immediately passed the ball and have 29 other boys pile in on him). Happy daze.

Whatever bold plans Cameron had for the Tories, it became increasingly clear that his ambitions to drag them into the 20th Century had been a step too far, so contented himself with trying to nudge them towards the middle of the 19th Century instead.

Cameron bumbled his way through the next couple of years, mainly perfecting his habit of making announcements to waiting cameras and then flouncing off in the general direction of away without answering any questions. An odd tic but one which was eventually explained by the fact that he could barely keep the scripted announcements in his head, let alone scripted answers to potential questions.

The Rise of the UKIPs (cue sinister music)

Towards the end of David Cameron’s first stint as (sub)Prime Minister, Britain had begun to suspect that life was not as it should be. For one of the wealthiest countries in the world, life in Britain was actually pretty rubbish for lots of people. Someone must be to blame and The Sun and The Daily Hate told us that it was foreigners and they were the fault of being a member of the EU. Cameron agreed and disagreed and so, to settle the matter and to save Tory votes going to the UKIPs in the 2015 general election, Cameron’s strategic genius compelled him to promise a referendum on the matter.

For a second time, the Tories romped home to a landslide victory and, this time, the LibDems could rest their shoulders. David Cameron 2015

David Cameron celebrated the first anniversary of his second term in Downing Street by causing the greatest constitutional upheaval outside of the Reformation and plunging the country into a mire that eclipsed the riots of 2011 and, with it, he dum de dummed his way into history and back to cloud cuckoo land. The Tories breathed a sigh of relief and settled back into the early 19th Century and began with a new leader and the same old tired policies that Cameron had originally provided a veneer (well, less a veneer, more a crust) for the party to hide behind. The crust is gone and the Tories now confront the country with the carcass of their politics that has long since given up the capability to swish away the flies with its own tail.

David Cameron came into office on a program that promised a Big Society but left as Britain descended into a pogrom of a Little England for which he was the architect.

David Cameron Gone

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